A step towards self-care.

Is it at all familiar to you? … the moment where you start to wonder if you are going mad or “losing it” because you no longer appear to be able to handle the pace of your life, you feel like crying or hiding away somewhere dark and private? It's a sign that your self-care needs ramping up. 

My work over the past few weeks shows that this is a feeling familiar to a lot of people.

I want to let you know now that you are not going mad. You might indeed be losing it – but we need to look a little closer at what that means … 

We need to begin by understanding what you are trying to manage right now, what is on your jobs list, what are your responsibilities, what are you carrying with you from the past too (because the more you are carrying from back then, the heavier the load right?).

We might even write it all down … to see it all there on paper, to recognise that it takes a while to get it all in print because there is so much of it.

And let’s be expansive about this. For example, if you are simply going to work each day and coming home, eating dinner and going to bed then perhaps you are assessing your life as pretty much what it's always been. But to get the full story you will need to go a step further and write about whether you like your job; you are eating in a way you want to be eating; you are sleeping a full night; you are waking up feeling refreshed from sleep and so on.  

Once you have your list and have expanded on it, take the time to look at the list and ask yourself “what else is going on?” – this will help you understand that while the day-to-day activities may not have changed or increased a great deal, your response to them has. 

Start by doing just this, for now. It’s enough.

To begin being conscious of what your life involves (not just the activities but your feelings and responses to them) is a step in sorting out why you feel like you are losing it/not coping. 

It’s a step towards self-awareness and self-care. 

Any step in that direction is life-changing. 

sarahxx

Is your motivation is intrinsic?

Setting goals and having dreams is something we are all encouraged to do. Having courage, living our values, doing the work, growing and evolving - we are also encourage to do these. The key to lasting the distance and making sure you move along the journey you want to be on is intrinsic motivation. 

My experience since writing this post has been interesting. Eight years of thinking about it, talking about it sometimes but vaguely, writing about it privately … and then wham – there I am sharing it with the world. After pressing the initial ‘send’ I decided to take it a step further and email the link to my family – knowing that they don’t regularly read my blog meant knowing that this experience was not going to be known by them unless they stumbled upon it.

Then I published the link on FaceBook. Now all the people I have known across the years from school through to now were sharing this piece of my life. Freaky stuff!!

The traffic on my site peaked quickly. I watched it do so, and watched myself racing around my mind grasping for a hiding place … followed quickly by a reminder to myself that this is what I had created and I needed to suck it up, stand in the discomfort and breathe (which I did).

When you put yourself out there (like I did) you have to be quite clear about your motivation for doing so (which I was). There needs to be somehow an understanding of the process that is involved – I don’t mean “how” you are doing it, but more like “why” you are doing it and what it means for your own individual evolution. Yes, large parts of it relate to sharing with others so they know they are not alone - but altruistic notions may not be enough to get you through the cold, lonely, vulnerable, terrifying, incredibly painful and difficult experience of having it ‘out there’

Intrinsic motivation is the key. Do it for your Self. Tie it to a value: self evolution; self witness; self-awareness; letting go … tie it to anything that is for you - and you alone.  That is what intrinsic motivation is. 

Those moments where you want to run and hide will be tough – but if you know that you are doing it in service of a value you hold, you can sit in the vulnerability and know that you are living a whole-hearted, full life. 

Sarahxx

Are they reasons or excuses?

Many of us want our lives to be different; we seek change in our feelings, our behaviour, our life experiences, the results we are getting. 

Many of us don’t know where to start, or how. 

We say “I am not sure, I don’t know if I am ready”.

We fear what will happen if we make a change.

We see the way we are entwined with others; we tell ourselves we don’t make the change because someone else will be affected or won’t like it.

We hesistate.

We resist.

We make excuses.

We find other values to serve – ignoring what is, upon reflection, a higher priority.

We say “I have to work” (because work is a society-sanctioned escape route “work is good”).

What are your excuses for not living the life you want? 

What do you want when you are not making excuses or squashing your dreams?

Sarahxx

Values provide the strong base for goals

If you want to achieve something in your life ... something meaningful, something that you value, you are going to need to get to know yourself properly. 

To "know thyself" you need to figure out what matters to you, what you feel is important in your life.  

Understanding what your personal values are - not those of your parents, partner or friends - is a key to hearing your own voice, knowing what action to take and how you want to behave. Once you know your values you can set goals that are congruent with them and take action that matches those values (valued action).

Through aligning goals with our values, we are genuinely inspired to find the energy and persistence to go after those goals with our whole heart.

With our values as the basis of our motivation, we can be clear about the 'why' of our choices.

This motivational knowledge is key to achieving goals that may at times be long and difficult, and require extra determination and perseverance to achieve.  Knowing which values are being served by the action you take:

• you'll endure higher levels of pain and pleasure in their pursuit
• you will have more patience and persistence to go the distance 
• you'll believe in yourself and your ability to reach the goals
• your internal experience of your life is significantly more positive and rewarding

Living in line with your values leads to all sorts of positive, enjoyable results such as feeling like you are on the 'right' track, supporting and growing your self-esteem, reducing internal conflict, clarifying how you live your life and what you do each day.

Values knowledge = intention/goals = action/behaviour

When our values and our behaviour are congruent, we set goals with our highest values in mind, we see the greatest opportunity to live the life we value and we are inspired to do things that count.

So what are your values?

sarahxx

Magical Questions: what if things were different?

In an effort to re-focus myself and my life, I have been asking myself the above question: What if things were different? ... the answers are a relevation to me, and provide a plan for making changes in my life.

In my case I decided to ask myself "What if I was single? - how would I live my life?

I hasten to add that I am NOT imagining yukky things happening to my lovely husband ... or the disappearance of my children.

I love them all but I know that the role I play as Mother and Wife is easy enough to hide behind at times ... I mean by raising children I am already "doing" something right?

No. I suspect that at times the busy-ness of these two roles, along with my work, leave me feeling little energy or inspiration for working out if the way I am living my life is how I really want it to be.  

If I could wave a magic wand and change things, what would I change about my life now?

The extension of that question is the concept that if there are things I would change (waving a magic wand seems like a great, easy way to proceed don't you think?) then why don't I change them anyway?

With vulnerabililty, I share with you my list. I wrote it in full indulgence of my imagination ... 

• I would still raise my children

• I would continue my education

• I would diversify my income sources 

• I would travel more

• I would see more movies

• I would switch to a more ecological lifestyle (with coffee and chocolate always included)

• I would live in the countryside and go walking all the time – a good sized town with mountains all around, or a smallish place near the beach/lake

• I would have a garden and grow my own veges

• I would ride a bike whenever I could

• I would swim each day

It's not an exhaustive list.

It's a 'first go' list. I wonder what I will add as time passes.

Above all, I found myself looking at the list and wondering exactly what it is that stops me from having the life I want right now - it's certainly not my married status I can tell you!!!

I wonder what question you would ask?

• What would I do if I wasn't scared?
• What would I do if I had the money to do it?
• What would I change if I could re-start my education?
• What would I do/change if I cared less what other people think?

Take a moment, a piece of paper and a pen ... and write down your question. Then, with courage, write down your answers.

... this is where you find your voice, what you really want ... this is where it begins. 

sarahxx