There is nothing 'wrong'.

This is a truly remarkable story ... so often we make ourselves and our feelings wrong. Here is how to take a different path. 

Originally posted on Huffington Post Healthy Living:

Sometimes when I talk about “Radical Acceptance,” I like to tell the story about Jacob, a man who, at almost 70 and in the mid-stages of Alzheimer’s disease, attended a 10-day retreat I was leading.

A clinical psychologist by profession and a meditator for more than 20 years, Jacob was well aware that his faculties were deteriorating. On occasion his mind would go totally blank; he would have no access to words for several minutes and become completely disoriented. He often forgot what he was doing and usually needed assistance with basic tasks — cutting his food, putting on clothes, bathing, getting from place to place.

A couple of days into the retreat, Jacob had his first interview with me. These meetings, which students have regularly with a teacher while on retreat, are an opportunity to check in and receive personal guidance in the practice. During our time together, Jacob and I talked about how things were going, both on retreat and at home. His attitude towards his disease was interested, sad, grateful, even good-humored.

Intrigued by his resilience, I asked him what allowed him to be so accepting. He responded, “It doesn’t feel like anything is wrong. I feel grief and some fear about it all going, but it feels like real life.” Then he told me about an experience he’d had in an earlier stage of the disease.

Jacob had occasionally given talks about Buddhism to local groups and had accepted an invitation to address a gathering of over a hundred meditation students. He arrived at the event feeling alert and eager to share the teachings he loved. Taking his seat in front of the hall, Jacob looked out at the sea of expectant faces in front of him… and suddenly he didn’t know what he was supposed to say or do. He didn’t know where he was or why he was there. All he knew was that his heart was pounding furiously and his mind was spinning in confusion.

Putting his palms together at his heart, Jacob started naming out loud what was happening: “Afraid, embarrassed, confused, feeling like I’m failing, powerless, shaking, sense of dying, sinking, lost.” For several more minutes he sat, head slightly bowed, continuing to name his experience. As his body began to relax and his mind grew calmer, he also noted that aloud. At last Jacob lifted his head, looked slowly around at those gathered, and apologized.

Many of the students were in tears. As one put it, “No one has ever offered us teachings like this. Your presence has been the deepest dharma teaching.”

Rather than pushing away his experience and deepening his agitation, Jacob had the courage and training simply to name what he was aware of, and, most significantly, to bow to his experience. In some fundamental way he didn’t create an adversary out of feelings of fear and confusion. He didn’t make anything wrong.

We practice Radical Acceptance by pausing and then meeting whatever is happening inside us with this kind of unconditional friendliness. Instead of turning our jealous thoughts or angry feelings into the enemy, we pay attention in a way that enables us to recognize and touch any experience with care. Nothing is wrong — whatever is happening is just “real life.” Such unconditional friendliness is the spirit of Radical Acceptance.

A step towards self-care.

Is it at all familiar to you? … the moment where you start to wonder if you are going mad or “losing it” because you no longer appear to be able to handle the pace of your life, you feel like crying or hiding away somewhere dark and private? It's a sign that your self-care needs ramping up. 

My work over the past few weeks shows that this is a feeling familiar to a lot of people.

I want to let you know now that you are not going mad. You might indeed be losing it – but we need to look a little closer at what that means … 

We need to begin by understanding what you are trying to manage right now, what is on your jobs list, what are your responsibilities, what are you carrying with you from the past too (because the more you are carrying from back then, the heavier the load right?).

We might even write it all down … to see it all there on paper, to recognise that it takes a while to get it all in print because there is so much of it.

And let’s be expansive about this. For example, if you are simply going to work each day and coming home, eating dinner and going to bed then perhaps you are assessing your life as pretty much what it's always been. But to get the full story you will need to go a step further and write about whether you like your job; you are eating in a way you want to be eating; you are sleeping a full night; you are waking up feeling refreshed from sleep and so on.  

Once you have your list and have expanded on it, take the time to look at the list and ask yourself “what else is going on?” – this will help you understand that while the day-to-day activities may not have changed or increased a great deal, your response to them has. 

Start by doing just this, for now. It’s enough.

To begin being conscious of what your life involves (not just the activities but your feelings and responses to them) is a step in sorting out why you feel like you are losing it/not coping. 

It’s a step towards self-awareness and self-care. 

Any step in that direction is life-changing. 

sarahxx

Do you REALLY want things to change?

And ... how willing are you to make those changes yourself?

If you don't make them who will?

And if you wait around for someone else to make the changes are you willing to accept the type of changes they make?

Perhaps you don't really want anything to change. Perhaps you secretly (or not so secretly) want it all to stay like is - sure that some day soon you will suddenly overcome the difficulty and everything will be OK...

Perhaps you dream that this is just a nightmare ... one you will wake up from. So you wait ... inactive ... hoping something or someone will come along to help you avoid the necessity of having to do anything to make the changes yourself.

How many more times are you planning on 'losing it', falling apart or crashing before you acknowledge that something in your behaviour and your head space needs to change so that you can let go of this mode of living - or half-living and move into living whole-heartedly ... fully ... connected?

Somewhere, sometime, this cycle needs to stop if you are going to climb out of the space you are in right now. 

Change only occurs when the pain of staying the same becomes too great

... are you done yet? 

sarah xx

Who's got your back?

There have been moments in my life when I have felt sad and disappointed at what appeared to be a lack of honesty in the world around me.

I wished that people would simply come out and say what they mean. I wished they would tell me when I had hurt their feelings, or check with me for the true meaning of what I was saying rather than assuming they knew. I felt that I was learning the ropes, stumbling blindly through social situations, trying things out - often blundering as I went. It seemed that everyone else knew how to do the social relationships thing, whereas somehow I had missed out on that very important gene. 

I also recall thinking that if dishonesty and judgement of others was the way to make it all work, then I was much better off without it.

In recent years, I found a person who is willing to step closer to the fire, risk getting burned by my response - because she believes in honesty in friendship too.  

She gently holds up the mirror and says "this is how it looks from out here - is that what you are hoping to project?". 

Sometimes my answer to her question about what I am putting out there is "yes I can live with that" and sometimes its "ummm, wow, no that was not my intention at all". 

Having this person around has taught me to be more honest, more brave, less concerned with the impression I am making.  She helps me focus on the values I hold and match my behaviour to those values. As a result I feel more authentic. 

It's a huge and important role she plays in my life - one I am extremely thankful for.

There may be someone in your life, who for the best reasons, is there right behind you. This person is human rather than perfect. They have their own stuff they are working out too... but when it comes to you, they are on your team. They are there gently saying "are you sure this is what you want?". They know you don't have all the answers. They offer you that knowledge without judgement.

They invite you to self-reflect without shame.

They have your back. 

Who is that person in your life? And for whom do you play that role?

sarah xx

Focus on the task at hand.

The reality, with 7 million others walking the earth (not counting the animals who can), is that your relationships with other individuals are not all about you, your stuff, your needs, your thoughts, your fears, your hopes, your dreams, your wants.

When it comes to relationship challenges, your task is to work on the 50% that is your stuff - and leave them to work on the 50% that is theirs. 

Oh WAIT! Perhaps you belong to the "its all my fault" school? Or maybe you are a member of the "its all THEIR fault" crew.

And while neither of these is true - more importantly ... neither of these viewpoints is helpful. It's waaaaaaay more effective to look at things from a "what is theirs, what is mine" perspective; its often the only way to work things out. 

Imagine if we all worked on our own stuff and left others to work on theirs? Imagine if we did this without judging ourselves (big ask huh?) and without judging the other imperfect humans around us? 

This doesn't have to be wishful thinking - its all possible by making an important choice ... to do just that! 

Self-reflect ... thoroughly, regularly, honestly. Do it gently, kindly, openly with yourself. Breathe slowly and deliberately.

In doing so, you won't have much time to busy yourself with others people's faults. Not only that, but by practicing being kind and gentle with yourself, you will learn to do so with others. 

We are all here learning at our own pace, in our own imperfect way - our children included.

It's not all about you. Focus on the task at hand.

sarahxx