I heard a story this week that really touched me ... the story of a woman who doesn't go towards her feelings, feel her feelings or talk about how she feels because she doesn't want people to see how repulsive she is inside.
Looking at her, it was hard to see what she might have been referring to about herself. She presented as well-dressed, clean, articulate, nice-smelling ... nothing too out-of-the-ordinary really.
The "insides" she is carrying around feel repulsive (her word), muddled, confused, messy, distasteful and unacceptable to her.
She expends huge amounts of energy ensuring that no one sees what is there. Her public facade is far from elaborate or distracting - if anything, her disguise is "normalcy" ... a carefully constructed presentation designed to ensure you pass her by, move onto the next person and hardly give her a second thought.
She does all she can to avoid connection with others, and with herself, in case her repulsiveness slips out. She works long and hard at it all and she is exhausted, She feels alone, isolated, sad, and unlovable. She is also tired of the bullshit peddled by every human she encounters.
She cannot yet see that the facade she portrays IS the very bullshit she cannot stand.
She is trapped in producing the very performance she abhors.
She is so tired of it, she is seeking a new way of doing things. She is, courageously, learning to feel again. It's scary, it's slow, she is having to learn a new language ... but she is on her way towards a whole new existence.
I am excited for her. She is about to learn a new way of viewing all that she finds repulsive.