Geez it's tough going today. There is a thing I have been doing for three months and it just doesn't seem to be working. It's an idea that has worked for me before, but transferring it to a new environment has proved much much tougher than I thought it was going to be.
I have been supporting myself through those months with positive self-talk and reminders that the participation will come, but it just, simply, hasn't. And every week it doesnt come, I am spending money to keep it going in the hope that it does work. Some weeks it breaks even and I feel less anxious. Other weeks, like today, I know it's costing me. It's one of those moments when I don't know what to do: I don't know whether to hang on or let go.
I am assured that what I am offering has a place. Other people tell me and I know for myself.
So my big self-searching today is "where are they?" and it's just so hard to sit in that place of:
1. fear: of it all failing
2. shame: of my public idea not working
3. frustration: at the people who say it's needed but don't participate
4. fear: of being seen as a failure
5. guilt: at the money being spent to follow a dream of mine
6. isolation: just feels so alone
7. worry: that I am holding on longer that I should be
8. helplessness: I have done all I or anyone else can think of to do
We all have ideas, ways in which we can see ourselves growing and expanding in our service to the world or our community. It takes bucket-loads of courage to step in the breech and give it a go.
Today I am sitting in all this discomfort, learning to stay with my Self while I feel those feelings and keep moving forward.
It's enough to put me off, but I am not going to let it.
How about you?