As the saying goes "you alone have to do it, but you don't have to do it alone".
When you first become a parent, or even during that first pregnancy, things begin to happen that change the way you think, the things you think about, your priorities, your focus in life. It can be a bit scary at first ... but if you mention it to anyone perhaps they will tell you "oh that's normal". So you don't worry about it too much, but you certainly notice the changes.
Then, when it's been going on for a while, you find yourself thinking, worrying or even fixating on things that seem dark or even scary, and you notice that you are having all sorts of thoughts and feelings that are quite different from those discussed by friends or other playgroup parents. You may tentatively mention to someone close that you are having these thoughts and they again tell you 'don't worry' or 'oh you are imagining things' or 'it's normal to worry about these things but it's just a part of being a parent' ... and perhaps again you are convinced that this is part of the parenting gig, that you are the one with the problem for worrying about it.
The thing is that when these thoughts and feelings are avoided or pushed down, they grow. Pay attention!
- there IS something going on here that you need to pay attention to
- there IS a reason here to get some help
- this IS enough of a concern to talk to someone who will listen to what you are trying to say
- there IS a concern here that needs some light shed upon it
These thoughts and feelings are common (it's true), but their commonality does not make them helpful or normal or enjoyable. Pushing them down, finding ways to dull them or avoid them only helps them expand. Regardless of what you do, your avoiding them IS giving them attention, and what we pay attention to grows.
Trust what your intuition is trying to tell you here. Listen to your Self and get some help as soon as you can. You may need to simply speak with someone who will help you sort out your thoughts and feelings and guide you towards helpful ways of dealing with them. You may need to uncover some of the things you fear and face them in a compassionate and practical way.
What ever step you choose to take for yourself and your mental health, you don't have to do it alone.